Basic Training Gone Complicated
Two years of friendship has officially been flushed away, but I guess everyone could see it coming a mile away. Prior to meeting in person Henry and I had an amazing connection. We both had same sense of humor, we both had kids, he was military, I am well…. Weird but so was he! When we first talked I fell hard we talked for months, but end the day he ghosted me I was heart broken. For last two years we talked on and off and kept testing the waters yet once again we found ourselves in same place.
FINALLY last Wednesday he agreed he’d drive the four hours to come see me. I was on cloud nine, and was so ready for our love to be true even for just a minute. I kept imagining seeing him in his army uniform, his arms around me, and our lips finally touching for the first time. We know going to complete each other, have a beach wedding … Hey wait a second 🤣 First date dude chill.
Reality is I spent like the entire week getting ready see him, and nervous that any minute he would text saying he’s sorry, but he can’t make it. When he told me he was on his way my heart would not stop racing. I finally had perfect dress, I rushed home to get ready, and the butterflies were fluttering so bad I dropped my phone and of course it broke beyond compare.
I let him know hey I’m on my way, just letting you know I’m making a pit stop, I’ll be only 10 minutes promise. I had EVERY intention on keeping this promise, I grabbed pajamas, Some stuff for the hotel, and a new phone. When I saw how long the lines were I was internally crying. It had been the first time I ever moved so fast checking out in my life. He texted me to call him when I got there, and of course my brain starts overthinking things. I didn’t want him leave the warmth of the hotel, but mostly I didn’t want him to see how awful my car looks. So the inside wasnt so much what bothered me, but the outside my car got marks on it with crayon….. Everywhere 🤦 so my bright idea is….. I’ll surprise him in the lobby!!! This is a solid proof plan I was giggling imagining his face so surprised as he got out of the elevator with his Jaw would drop he would pull me in close our lips would touch, and I’d melt in his arms and everything would be perfect.
I get to the hotel on River front, hearts pounding, I lose my key, I spend ten minutes trying find my key, I take my leggings off cause I want show off my legs, I grab my bag, then realize I don’t know where my license is. So I undo my entire bag to find my license and when I finally find it I lose my key again. You can imagine how much of a hot mess I am at this point. FINALLY making it inside I get text saying he doesn’t see me. Shit… Am I at the wrong hotel? 🤦 Nope he’s waiting in the parking lot to get my bags, and I felt like such a nerd.
He comes inside I’m blushing hard, I am speechless, he is stunning. In back my mind I’m hoping he’s not disappointed..not thinking I’m fat… Hoping he’s still attracted to me. He offers take my bag and first thing I do is tell him I can carry it. I know it upset him, but I was so nervous like what if he thinks I’m too lazy carry my own bag? Is he going feel weird carrying a girly bag? Should I have used a duffle bag?
Stuck inside my own my he then asks me what I think. ((I asked him if day 1 of our date he could show up in uniform. He did not disappoint)) I looked at him blushing and told him he looked super adorable. I felt terrible as soon as I said it I know it seemed demasculinizing, and it was not how I intended it at all. He politely pointed it out and I wanted to cry. It wasn’t anything personal to him I just don’t use the word sexy I feel like it’s demeaning, and it just has a vulgar tone to it. What I genuinely wanted to have said was he looked handsome.
We get to the room it’s absolutely stunning, and everything felt so surreal. We kissed and it was everything that I thought it would be. Leaning our bodies into each other he asked me what I wanted to do, and I totally scrambled. Obviously I had an idea what the options were, and decided take the high road and go out to dinner. I was planning originally to have a drink, and every part of me wanted to, BUT I felt embarrassed because it was somewhere in my bag, and I but after the disaster of the parking lot there was no way I was going to let him see me scattering my stuff everywhere trying to find it ((If I had been smart, I would have put the ID in my 👛 purse when I lost it first time.) So I decided no ID so I wasn’t going drink for the night. Besides if anything did go past PG I wanted to be sober for it. ((PTSD thing))
We get downstairs and I’m not even being overdramatic someone parked WAY too close to him. Me not being a stick I wanted to cry cause I was so shy I wasn’t going be able get in unless he pulled out a bit. He offers to open my door, and I tell him I can get it. He says that he wants to be a gentleman and open my door for me. I’m standing there having massive panic attacks because I’m not sure if we will both fit, I’m not even sure if I’ll fit, I don’t want point out that I’m fat. Insist open my door, but eventually I cave in and allow him open it for me and I pray heavily to God that I don’t make the door hit the other car. Thankfully despite the awkwardness I made it in!!
At this point I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m being a dick. We talk on way to resteraunt and things seem be going WAY better. We talk about all different types of stuff, and on way into bdubs I’m standing on outside towards traffic he tells me we need switch because as a gentleman they are suppose be on that side. I loved it I thought that was the coolest thing. I never really been with a gentleman before so it was refreshing change on Pace. We going inside it’s packed we need wait in car for 30 mins for table be ready
We sit in car we talk about games, life, a little bit about everything. I was so excited to be talking to him about dark souls 3. The conversation is natural, and consuming to point we forget about our reservation haha. On our way inside he reminds me again I shouldn’t be walking on that side and internally I’m kicking myself. We sit down it’s time to order I tell him to order first so I can figure out what I want. He doesn’t seem as entertained as I am by it BUT I hate making decisions, and I warned him ahead time I like men who take charge. We get our food ordered, and time to time he tried hold my hand, and I loved it. I felt super guilty though because I could tell my body was naturally getting tense. My body language and my mind aren’t always in sink Thank you PTSD. So I guess I kept letting go and he asked me if he made me feel uncomfortable. I felt so guilty cause I really liked him so I was as unsure as he was why I kept pulling my hand away.
we talked alot about all types of things, and I genuinely felt happy. I thought things were going perfect. I still was worried that I wasn’t physically attractive enough for him, but the chemistry was undeniable. I guess part of the weight thing is that I have ALWAYS been paranoid about my weight, but he also told me about how one of his ex’s had also been in the military. I knew I probably wasn’t sexy as her but Maybe… Just maybe…. My personality can be enough make him want to come back and see me one day.
Packed up dinner, he left her an awesome tip, I giggled cause we were both ready go to the hotel end our night like a 50 shades movie. If life was a movie and things played out the way the did in my head Henry and I would have had the most perfect night, and I’d feel like a princess for first time in my life. I genuinely felt so excited, so cherished, and so extremely lucky to be there. I just didnt know how to express it.
We both walk over to the elevators,and with my luck the entire week the elevators were shut off. Let me.give you an idea of this. I’m in a dress, my combat boots which they’re comfortable but not as much as you know sneakers and I’m a round person. If I didn’t feel extremely paranoid about him thinking I was fat. I need to prove I am more fit than I apprear by making it up to the 6th floor by stairs. This was going be my biggest challenge yet.
So I went really fast in the beginning and started slowing down about the fourth flight up. I will NOT say I got tired by the sixth set. I had paused 3 quarters the way up the sixth flight, and I started laughing so hard.my eyes were in tears. My legs locked up with Charlie horse and I was stuck. Yes like legitimately stuck. My muscles were yelling at me I shall not move, and he asked me if I wanted help. What a gentleman, but I felt like I’d rather die than to not make it up last few steps. We make it into the room I drop in chair. I begin take. My shoes off trying act all nonchalant about needing transfer my phone, and he seemed like he was cool with it. Truthfully my legs were crying of Charlie horse and I was really humiliated.
Once the pain subsided, we begin to kiss and things were feeling hot and heavy. The moment that be took my shirt off I feel like thats where our romantic mood was shot killed bleeding out like a murder scene. He had issues getting aroused by me, and inside I felt so broken. It was literally everything I was afraid of the entire night. My heart hurt, my ego hurt, my head was going 100000x miles per second. My worst nightmare came true and I was no longer the princess I felt like I was stripped from my tiara, and shaved bald at this point. I wanted to cry but I didn’t want to ruin the night.
Eventually we took shower together my red hairdyes pouring down my body, because if can’t be embarrassed enough just add fuel to the fire. We lay in bed we snuggle up I put on Rick and Morty and wraps his arms around me. He reassures me he wants this to be a dating thing, but my heart told me it’s just so he wasn’t being rude. Eventually he falls asleep, and I begin to finally break down and cry. I could not sleep, I kept asking myself what was wrong with me what did I do wrong? Was it cause I’m chubby? Is it cause I was socially awkward, was he trying force himself to be attracted to me and it just didn’t work? Somewhere around 3 am I finally text my close friends and tell them what happened they said they think he was just nervous not to take it too personally. Of course that’s not going to happen because I’m already 110% taken it personally down to my core and soul. So I wake him up about 7 kissing him passionately hoping maybe after goodnight sleep he wouldn’t be nervous anymore. We begin get hit and heavy, but once again im physically rejected, and the pain settles in deeper. I get dressed, I’m trying to keep myself together, I know everything at this points awkward between us and then he checks his phone, and before he even says it I knew what he was going to say. We are ending the date he has to go home early, and any chance to try to rekindle what was left is officially gone, and I’m so broken I finally start to feel the tears fighting my eyes. I bring my bags down stairs, I put my stuff in the car, we eat breakfast, and despite everything I wanted so badly in my heart salvage something. I offer him before he goes if we can go hiking in the park. At least try to leave on a good note, but it wasn’t happening. He left me with a pat on the shoulder. Not a hug, not a kiss, not a see you soon, not a I’m sorry, never once a I’m sorry, just a single pat to shove the dagger all the way in my heart. I sit behind the wheel I begin to cry my eyes out. Someone I thought I loved for this long, and I couldn’t meet his expectations not even for one single night. I texted him how I felt about everything I was angry I was upset I pretty much bit his head off, not because I hated him, but because I was so.angry at myself for messing everything up
Twisted Enchanted World 